Two First Names

[putzjauhn]

He had six sided dice

A snake eye on each side

He had aces and eights

In his pocket when he died



He had more luck than good

Of bad he gave his fill

He had himself two first names

Depending on the bill



He had himself a nickname

A catchy one to boot

Like Coyote Slim or Buffalo Jim

While raking in the loot



He had himself a line of jokes

That he would tell and laugh

All the while smiling

And stabbing in the back



He had himself two first names

When they caught up with him

He gave them both his first names

Then they killed Jack & murdered Jim

[Jen]

This one I like. I guess I'm just a sucker for poems that tell a story.

I think it would be better if you avoided the obvious cliches like "stabbing in the back." The rest of the poem is better than that.

[putzjauhn]

I'm glad you like it. I agree that its a bit cliche. It's kinda what I was shooting for in a roundabout kinda way. I just made this one into a song a few days ago. Was trying for a more comercial feel than some of my more intraspective stuff. This one has a cheesey hook that is not included in the original draft.

Hook...

He had himself two first names
Two names when he died
They wrote em on his tombstone
Wrote em side by side

[Angel]

I like this one too.

The only line that gets me is
"Like Coyote Slim or Buffalo Jim"
the rhyme between Slim and Jim seems to kind of detract a little fomr the rest of it.

And the fourth stanza/verse/whatever doesn't fit the rhyme scheme again, which kind of threw me off.

But I think it's really cool. Has a very old western feel about it.

[Tex]

Originally posted by Angel
Has a very old western feel about it.

I was thinking the same thing. I could see an aging gun slinger in my head as I read it.

[putzjauhn]

Originally posted by Tex
I was thinking the same thing. I could see an aging gun slinger in my head as I read it.

I was watching the western channel when I wrote it. Glad I was able to convey that. Anyways, thanks. As for the rhyme scheme alteration, it allows for an interesting hiccup in the vocal flow when in the context of a song.